Brief Moment of Clarity

Tonight has been a wonderful night. Mainly due to reasons I'll state at a later date. But as the last of waking minds laid to rest under this roof, two small ones arose; one crying and ashamed, one supportive of the other.

Being the only conscious adult in the house, with a strong anxiety disorder, I was stuck momentarily in the middle of what would normally be an impossible decision for me. Hesitating for only brief moment, I got up to see what the fuss was about.

I entered the bathroom to see my four-year old Nephew helping his three year-old Sister, Kiley, go potty. Apparently she had woken the two up, thinking she was going to to poop her pants, but ended up wetting herself. Her Brother, Aiden, escorted her to the bathroom all by himself, and showed her how to use the big toilet, without a step or anything! I was amazed and proud of the little guy. Chalk one up to sibling love!

Kiley, still hysterical and ashamed, told me her clothes were wet, due to not making it in time. So I took the two of them into the living room, and OCD be damned, had her take off her soiled clothes and helped her put on fresh clothes. Helping her slip her little feet into the legs of her pants, and as her little hands grabbed hold of my arms as I helped her up, and pulled a shirt over her head, I saw that my actions and words comforted her and she calmed down.

I then put them both back to bed and threw her soiled clothes into the wash, as they watched fifteen minutes of Despicable Me, to try and get their eyes tired again.

Granted, after doing so, I washed my hands and arms several times, because they touched everything in the bathroom, but for that brief period of time I was free. Free from the restraints of my crippling disorder, however short lived. And for that time, I was the loving, helpful, calming Uncle I have been wanting to be for so long. As I type this, I have tears in my eyes. It's more possible than I had once thought to be that person I want to be so badly.

Those two kids I haven't been able to come into physical contact with in a couple of years, but I did it. Other kids aren't as tough, because I don't see them touch everything in THIS house. That's a large part of it. This house. But I can do this. I'm going to force myself to be that loving man, even if it means mentally collapsing. My Niece and Nephew were the hard test.

I have more hope for me. It wouldn't have been possible without some outside influence. The optimism that's been driving me for these recent days. It's going to be easier than I thought. Now there are only two other people I can't stop thinking about. Smiles. Nothing but smiles.